Twisted Tweens: Vegans from Another Planet

THIS IS A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT/WARNING

Encounters with vegans are becoming increasingly common. This announcement/warning will help familiarize you with these creatures. If a vegan has already invaded your house and you don't have time to read this, you must act immediately! Please, go about your normal lives. Vegans, though intimidating, are completely harmless. Still, you must prepare with knowledge.

Species: vegan persoperson
Type: Human Mutant
Place of Origin: Unknown
Current Territory: The Local Health Food Store
Diet: Any food that does not contain Animal Products

HOW TO IDENTIFY

Vegans often look exactly like normal people! To correctly identify, examine your suspect through a household magnifying glass, then ask in a clear voice, “Are you a vegan?”

The suspect will give one of the following answers:
NO: Your suspect is not a vegan. Go to the kitchen and make some pizza pockets.
YES: Your suspect is indeed a vegan. Proceed to the following directions.
MAYBE: Your suspect is confused. Repeat question.

DIRECTIONS

DO NOT TEASE VEGANS! Teased vegans can respond with angry rants or antisocial behavior.

DO NOT FEED VEGANS ANIMAL PRODUCTS! In other words, do not feed vegans meat, cheese, milk, eggs, ice cream, gelatin, milk chocolate or honey. They will not eat it.

ASK THE VEGAN WHAT ON EARTH IT CAN EAT! It will tell you what it can eat. Surprisingly, you will probably be able to feed it.

GOOD NEWS

Some people have actually reported good encounters with vegans. Some other people even claim to have vegan friends. Although, this has not been scientifically proven, it seems highly plausible. In fact, with understanding and normal behavior, you, too, can have a vegan friend.

POST A COMMENT

Please, share your thoughts. If you have had a vegan encounter or if you have a vegan friend or if (official gasp!) you ARE a vegan you must tell us your story.

Until next time, this is Zachary, keeping you updated every Thursday.