Mariposa's Connections: Against or For

I have this huge problem: when I've started dating someone, and I see a conflict come up in our relationship, I don't like to talk about it with that other person. One reason is because I'm afraid of losing that person, and the other reason is that the word "conflict" is just a very negative word - it's something that we kind of naturally want to avoid.

However, not talking about conflicts in relationships can sometimes make things worse. In fact, it can have the opposite effect we want it to. For example, if we don't bring up conflicts with the person we're dating, then the problems will become bottled up until they explode - instead of keeping that person, we loose them.

And "conflict" is only a negative word because we think it is. In reality, it's our response to conflict that's the problem. If we work together with that person we're dating, and resolve conflicts, that can make a relationship that much stronger. Working through conflicts means that we care enough about that other person to put in effort - and work - to stay with them.

Mariposa's Connections: What to say?

Communication: it's the reason why so many relationships end. Because often, it’s so much easier to act how we feel, without saying what we feel – or why we feel it. However, communicating is the key: we need to talk when something’s bothering us, or when we feel strongly about something. Of course, sometimes we have to be careful with how we say something. For example, guys, you know (I hope!) not to tell your girlfriend she’s fat. Instead, you might say, “Hey, we should go work out at the gym together – it would be so much fun to have you as my gym partner.”

So here's a method to use when you have a conflict in your relationship. It’s called the “Pillow Method” and you can do it by yourself or with the other person. And I know, it might sound a little stupid, but it really helps out, if you let it:

Step 1: I’m right, you’re wrong – this step is so easy, just write down/think of the reasons why you’re right, and the reasons why the other person is wrong.

Step 2: You’re right, I’m wrong – this step can be the hardest, which is why it’s so important. You have to sincerely stop, and pretend you’re that other person. See why that other person’s right, and why they think you’re wrong.

Step 3: Both right, Both wrong – this step’s good, just see how you and the other person both have good points and bad points about the issue.

Step 4: The issue isn’t as important as it seems – this is important. Is this conflict really worth risking your whole relationship? Is your relationship worth working through this conflict? Remember that the reason this conflict matters so much is probably because you care about that other person.

Step 5: There’s truth in all four perspectives – each step has a truth, each step is right in some way.

Hope that helps you! A good New Year’s resolution is to communicate better ;) By the way, I’d like to say thanks so much to everyone who commented on my last post/welcomed me to this blog. Thanks, guys! :)